I NEED YOU
Pastor Will said that when you fall in love with someone you are BANKRUPT in your heart and when he said that I really understood what he meant.
After two month of feeling the amazing joy and love overflowing in me. I was able to love people and care for people. I didn’t realize it but everytime I gave to people - I was slowly losing something inside of me.
Slowly, I couldn’t wake up in the morning for morning prayer and QT. Slowly I was getting agitated and anxious about little problems. I was starting worry about stupid things. I knew in my heart i needed God. I tried to pray but words weren’t coming out and i just felt really tired. My body was exhausted.
This week I was preparing myself spiritually and vocally for going on praise on sunday. I was doing well until friday. I’ve never felt so agitated in my spirit. I was being tempted in all sides of my life. The overflowing peace from God was gone. I know I called out to God to test me so my faith will be stronger but I was struggling so much. The thing is nothing was really happening in my life that was causing it. It was all in my head. Something inside me was fighting and struggling. This time I have no idea what it was. I just kept praying to God to take whatever that was not from Him away from me. That was all I could pray.
When God’s spirit is not in me. I can’t sing. It’s a way for God to remind me to be humble. I knew during practice - I couldn’t hit any of the notes. I KNEW that God was not with me. I was strugggling. I was so tired and exhausted even though I slept. Internally I haven’t rested. During the actual day of praise. My voice was cracking weirdly and I couldn’t hit any of the notes. I was so desperate for God to come and fill me- to the point I forgot I was on a stage and should be leading people to worship. I shouldn’t have been on praise that day.
Pastor Will sermon hit it right on the spot. Like the widow in the parable who kept asking for justice to the unjust judge. Pray continuously like you have no other choice. We have nothing else but God to rely on. When we know and understand the amazing sovereignty he has over our life and the world - we really have no choice to go to God again and again. Not to just listen and answer our prayers but because we have to or else we have no hope to continue living. Our prayer should include not just the asking but also the disappointment of no answers. The continuous coming and leaving.
So I pray Lord please refill my heart with your overflowing love, peace and grace. So I can continue to do your work and love my brothers and sisters. Even when I don’t feel you or anything seem to be happening please give me the strength to come back to you and pray again.
